So can you really handle me, God?

It's amazing the emotions that crash over you sometimes. There are many days when I will swing from wanting to run back to Germany to being so thankful that I get to be involved in so many wonderful children's lives. Frequently this will happen all within the same hour. Luckily, a friend pointed me toward 1 Kings 19 and I have been very encouraged by it.

In this passage, the prophet Elijah has just royally kicked his enemies butts (oh, and I think God was part of that, too;) ), but Jezebel threatens his life so he flees in order to save it. He runs into the wilderness and basically tells God, "I'm done. Let me die because nothing I've done has been worthwhile." And what is God's response to this? "Eat up, you've got a long journey ahead of you." Not, "I have not given you a spirit of fear!" or "You said you would follow me! Not collapse in a heap when it gets tough!" Nope, he didn't say those things. So Elijah chows down some divinely prepared bread and water and hikes to Mt. Sinai to await God's presence in a cave.

There's more that happens after this, but what struck me was the way God handled Elijah's giving up. In fact, Elijah didn't just say that he was done with the prophet thing and wanted to enjoy the "Israelite Dream" of a nice thatch house, two donkeys and 7.5 kids. No, he flat out said that he wanted to die. (Maybe my reactions don't look so bad.) But, with all Elijah's emotions, God still heard what his heart had always been saying. He sent him on a journey because, I believe, he knew that Elijah still wanted to follow him. And he gave him food for the journey because even though Elijah didn't ask for it, God knew that being held in his hands was the best thing for him.

It can be pretty easy as a Christian to "just dig deep" when things get hard or throw out some Christianese saying like, "Just lean on Jesus." Both of which are good things. But what does that mean? Sometimes I think that God just wants us to be real with him. To say things like, "God, I just want to give up. This is too hard. None of this matters." Because in the midst of our real emotions, He has the opportunity to give some real comfort and hope. How else will we know his provision and grace if we never admit to being in a place that requires it?

this is the true joy in life

Many of you know that my dad died about a month and a half ago. I have been putting off posting anything on my blog because I felt like I should come to some kind of peace or understanding before I shared anything...yeah, that's not going to happen anytime soon. Sure, I have learned a whole lot already, but the first is that mourning is a process not a destination. So here is a cross section of how this is shaping my life as a teacher and pupil of life.

Very shortly after dad died, I found myself with a voracious appetite to continue along the path I was already on in life. I wanted to get my degree and travel the world in a weekend. My father's life spoke of hard work, serving others, and selfless commitment to one's community. All this meant press forward harder than ever. But in the last few days I have had reason to reevaluate some of my paradigm.

A life well spent does not require every gift that we possess to be used at once. God only calls us to use certain gifts at His appointed time. It is my joy to learn and teach, create and inspire. But I want to take each in its right season. Does this mean that my vision for education has changed? No. In fact, I might not even change the way that I work toward it. But what I do know is that God brings change in HIS season and according to HIS splendor. I can no more easily force my students to make right choices than I can force a flower to bloom. I suppose instead of taking of charging locomotive approach to life, I am learning how to take in the scenery. Maybe a gondola ride? Or a pair of skates? The beauty of it all is that the train is waiting for me in the station whenever I am ready to cover some ground. There's no hurry. My life has and always will be characterized by the following quote-no matter how I go about it.

This is the true joy in life.
The being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one.
The being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community
and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.
I want to be thoroughly used up when I die,
for the harder I work, the more I live.
I rejoice in life for its own sake.
Life is no brief candle to me.
It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment
and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible
before handing it on to future generations.
-George Bernard Shaw

This was the life that my father lived. And the torch that I carry after he laid it down that fateful day in the woods. I only aspire to lead the kind of honorable and worthy life that he did. That's all any of us can do.